I Can Only Imagine

"Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”    -Luke 17:3-4

    The song "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe has struck a chord with thousands, if not millions, of people around the world with its emotional lyrics. A movie recently came out about the backstory of Bart Millard and how the song came to be. I won't spoil the movie or backstory completely in case you don't know it, but I highly recommend spending the $10 to see this movie. Anyway, the basis is growing with God and being able to forgive as God forgives us. 

    This movie came to me at a perfect time. I have been struggling with forgiving someone close to me when they don't even know they are in the wrong. I have had a close friend for several years now that has been taking advantage of my kindness and carefree attitude for a long time. I always brushed it off or ignored it until recently when that person has become manipulative and selfish in anything we do or talk about. I have tried brushing it off and I have tried confronting the person but no matter the conversation, if it doesn't go their way, then it didn't happen. It has become such a burden on my life in all areas whether it be school, the gym, social life, etc. If it doesn't make that person happy or benefit them in some way, then they will have no part of it and if they aren't included in every little thing I am doing, then a grudge will be held for at least a day. 

    I have heard from several people that this is not a healthy friendship and that the person needs to look in the mirror or I need to drop them as a friend. Well, it's hard to drop someone as a friend when they have become such a big part of your life. I have been praying about how to handle the situation for months but it just keeps boiling up. One thing after the other. So after seeing this movie tonight, I am not asking God to tell me what to do but how to take a step back and forgive this person. Maybe in doing so they will come to terms with their own faults and get a grasp on it. The bible verse I put at the start of this post spoke to me about this situation also. God always forgives us, no matter what. I need to find it in myself to forgive this person. 
I am not saying I will keep them as a friend, that would be ideal, but rather, in the end, I will be able to say that I forgave them for wronging me for so many years. 

    Forgiving someone whether it be a friend, a family member, or yourself, is the hardest thing to do. But find it in yourself to forgive, because the Lord forgives without a doubt in His mind. 

"They called it Paradise"

A wise man recently told me to listen to "The Last Resort" by the Eagles. He said to really listen to the lyrics and what they are saying. I have listened to the song several times now and have grown to appreciate how much this song relates to my current situation. As most of you know, my main goal after graduation is to head west, to Los Angeles, California. The entire song is talking about a girl following her dreams: 

She heard about a place people were smilin',

They spoke about the red man's way, how they loved the land

And they came from everywhere to the Great Divide

Seeking a place to stand or a place to hide

Now, why do I want to go to Cali? Well, when I interned out in LA a few summer's ago, I fell in love with the town and the people in it:

Down in the crowded bars out for a good time,

Can't wait to tell you all what it's like up there

And they called it paradise, I don't know why

Somebody laid the mountains low while the town got high

Since I left the west coast, I have been doing everything in my power to go back. Last semester I interviewed for a staffing job, that would place me right back in downtown Los Angeles after graduation, and got it. I told God that all I cared about was getting to LA and I was so happy it was happening. Well, a few weeks later, I found out that the company was placed under new management and I would have to re-interview for the position. After several emails and months of waiting for a decision, I found out that I did not get the job after all. So...

Who will provide the grand design, what is yours and what is mine?

'Cause there is no more new frontier, we have got to make it here

We satisfy our endless needs and justify our bloody deeds

In the name of destiny and in the name of God

Who will provide the grand design? God will. He is in charge of my future. Everything that happens is because He wants it to.  Yes, I was frustrated. Yes, I was sad. Yes, I was angry. But looking back on the past few years, I have been telling God constantly how focused I was on California. How all I cared about was getting to LA. It wasn't until I hit a roadblock in getting there that I took a step back. I realize now that focusing solely on getting to LA is not going to actually get me anywhere. I have been so caught up with what is next, that I haven't appreciated what I have now. 

I am graduating in 72 days. In 72 days, I am leaving my life in Starkville behind. I am leaving this campus, my sorority, my friends, and the life I have made here, behind. I have been so caught up with future plans, that I haven't been enjoying the last moments here. My friends here. My life here. 

God always has a plan. Yes, I still want to move to Los Angeles. But there are so many great things happening in my life now. It took an old song and a rejection letter to see that. But I am staying positive. 

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

P.S.
That wise man is my stepdad, Jerry Gillikin, who has taught me many lessons in my life, but being patient and keeping my mind on the right track is a big one. Thank you for always having something to say. For being there when I didn't know I needed you. For challenging me to always better myself. Love you. 

"Where Is He?"

My time in the Word is more or less non-existent. It has been almost a month since I last looked at this book. As soon as the semester started, it was excuse after excuse. The book kept getting lower on the pile of "books I will read at some point in time." I have seen it throughout these last few weeks and maybe even gave it a thought, but not once, did I pick it up. So why did I decide to pick it up now?  It's 9 p.m. on a Saturday night. I am usually "out with the squad" bar hopping downtown and loving life. After being out late last night and sleeping the day away, I would usually take a shower, drink some coffee and go at it again, because it's college, right? Today something was just different. I stayed in bed and watched the latest Grey's Anatomy episode,"Personal Jesus," and it struck a chord with me.

 One of the characters, April Kepner, has always been an advocate for faith in the show but in this episode, her faith was tested over and over again until she admitted that staying true to her faith and belief in God is a real struggle. If you are a fan of the show, you know that voiceovers at the beginning and end are huge, well April did the voiceover for this episode saying, 

            "Is it worth it being a faithful servant? Or would have it been better to have cursed God's name from the beginning? Where was God, throughout all of Jobs suffering and pain? He was winning a bet with Satan. It makes you wonder where God is in all the unfairness and inequity and cruelty in the world. Where is He now?"

Where is God when we need him? Why do all these horrible things keep happening in the world? The book of Job is a great place to read about testing patience. Job 1:21 says, "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Throughout all of his suffering, Job kept his face in God and was given the gift of humility. 

Our patience is tested over and over again, whether it be as small as stressing over a paper or as big as not wanting to live another day. Why do we strain ourselves to the point of only contacting God with complaints or problems? Our Savior. Our fighter. Our God. He is here for us always and forever. Jesus Christ died for us. Yet,  we can't give Him a time of day unless something goes wrong or isn't going our way. I am tired of turning on the news and only hearing what is wrong with the world. I am tired of only hearing from people when they are stressed out or want to complain about their problems. I am tired of all the people in this world taking life for granted. 

We are here. I am here. If you are reading this, please look to God for comfort in happiness and sadness. In love and hate. The least you can do is give Him a few minutes of your time. Look to God for answers but also for a peace of mind. He is here for us, for you. 

Where is He? 

He is here. Within and without. His love never fails. His love never gives up. His love never runs out. So whether you are stressing over a test, fighting with your parents, or fallen into a deep depression that you just can't get out of, just know He cares. He is here. It all matters. You matter. He loves you and if you just give Him a chance, He will change your life.